I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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