Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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