I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
