How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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