Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
