We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
