he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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