i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
