I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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