Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
