yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
