you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
