Heybabeimwearingurpanties
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
please come you make the beer taste better
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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