Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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