I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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