Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
