I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
