remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
