yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
