college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
