and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
