Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
