Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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