i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Randomize