If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
