I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
