Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
