my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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