she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
