That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
