how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
