if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
