I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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