the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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