last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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