Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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