i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
