There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
