How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
