im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
