the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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