im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My cat gives me a boner
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
