i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
