If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
