FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
