i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize