i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
