Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
