I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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