Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Even my vagina gasped.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
