I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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