I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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