I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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