I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
