Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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