you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
