before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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